Apparently there is a new product and app that lets your dog text you

I was reading this article in Slate about a company that makes a Bluetooth/Wi-Fi thingamabob that clips onto your dog's collar and translates some its movements into text messages. 

I read it with trepidation. Knowing that if these things really worked, what my different dogs would have texted.

Their favorite texts:

Trevor

1. I'm out of food.
2. The building on the river is moving again.
3. I was bored, and now the toy dragon is dead. Please bring home a new one.

Ashford

1. Can I come?
2. How long will you be gone?
3. Where are you?

Hastings

1. But I don't want to do that.
2. No.
3. Why did he get more food / treats / toys than me.